It’s that time of the year when everybody crowds into the town centre, a c-list celebrity pretends to switch on the lights, and the crowd goes home cold and miserable and complaining that there were too many people there and the lights were worse than last year’s.

So who’s turning on your local lights? Chances are it’s a soap star with a very good agent, or somebody who didn’t win the X Factor.

We’ve missed out loads of towns who’ve gone for “Star of local commercial radio’s drive time show”, or the local small-time panto stars, because they don’t really count. We want big-time Charlies storming a living on the Christmas light circuit.

And what a circuit it is.

South Shields – Reggie’n’Bollie out of X Factor

Farnborough – Reggie’n’Bollie out of X Factor again

Rhyl – Reggie’n’Bollie out of X Factor again

King’s Lynn – Denzil out of Only Fools and Horses

Maidenhead – Sandra Martin out of Gogglebox

Bradford – Antony Cotton out of Coronation Street

Salisbury – Antony Cotton out of Coronation Street again

Newmarket – Antony Cotton out of Coronation Street again

Keighley – Antony Cotton out of Coronation Street again

Chorley – Antony Cotton out of Coronation Street again

Derby – Amelia Lily out of X Factor

Reading – Jack and Joel out of X Factor, with a special guest appearance from Reading Elvis

Oldham – Old Men Grooving out of Britain’s Got Talent

…which is a minor improvement from last year, when it was Bob the Builder.

Darlington – Shanaya Atkinson-Jones out of X Factor (no, me neither)

Chesterfield – Chase out of Paw Patrol (not entirely sure how this one is going to pan out, to be honest)

Evesham – Limahl out of Kajagoogoo

[Runs to railway station] FIRST CLASS RETURN TO EVESHAM PLEASE.

WARNING: If you see Antony Cotton at an even which is not a Christmas light switch-on, then alert the authorities immediately. Do not approach him, he is dangerous* when angered.

Your town not here? Google “[Name of town] Christmas Lights” and share your disappointment.

*Always wonderfully friendly and a credit to the performing arts, and an A-lister in a C-lister’s world.